Subject: What Are Your Politics?

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat.  Just simply quit thinking and vote that way.  But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first.

Compare the requirements below and see how you rate.

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of  law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese Communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment for murderers but support abortion on demand at ANY point in the pregnancy.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression rather than jobs and prosperity, while big-government bureaucrats always know what's "best" for us (ever dealt with Medicare over the phone, or tried to get them to pay for something they've denied?).
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger, Gloria Steinem, and Rosie O'Donnell are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a law-abiding lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the RIGHT people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar, sex offender and draft dodger belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21. You have to believe Mr. Clinton "did not have sex with that woman".  Try telling that to YOUR wife or husband.
22. You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations, but that it was only an innocent mistake that one year's worth of Al Gore's e-mails got erased.  And, wouldn't you know that these e-mails of Al's just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters?
23. You have to believe Hillary's Rose Law Firm billing records, under subpoena, could not be found for three years, but suddenly turned up on a coffee table in the White House.
24. You have to believe that married citizens should pay more than single citizens because we use government services more than they do (huh?) and the President needs some "foolin' around" money.
25. You have to believe Al Gore invented the internet, single-handedly defeated a Russian government who couldn't handle their own finances, and has a movie based on his torid love affair with Tipper.
26. You have to believe intelligence is measured by a person's ability to exaggerate, add/multiply incorrectly, and lie with a straight face to TV camera's, Senate Committee's, Federal Investigation officers, spouse's, Union's, Finance Committee's, Whitehouse secretaries, McDonanld's vendors, Chinese Ambassadors, anybody who'll listen, etc., etc.
27. You have to believe that the wealthiest people in the United States became wealthy through lying, cheating, and stealing (but not begging), and are all white anglo-saxon male Republicans who would run through the forests naked spraying oil and toxic chemicals if the government didn't keep them chained up with the children they employ.
28. You have to believe that Communism is evil, but a socialistic government taking away more money from the wealthy and creating a society where the government runs everything, gives everyone a subsidary to live on, and
    decides where and how you spend your subsidary is the American Dream.

Comment on this
Mike's Blog
funny | politics